And it's done.

So, it's been a little over a week since Joey called off the wedding and ended our relationship... again. Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm so incredibly angry that I am beating the floor, screaming and crying, and sometimes I'm so sad that I don't feel like I can draw my next breath. Sunday I went to church and got angrier and angrier with God as each new phrase from the praise songs came on the screen. You see, Joey said he wants more than anything to marry me, but that God told him to walk away. The same God that told me to wait on this man while I sat on the beach in Destin begging Him to either take away all the feelings I had or give me strength to endure it. I kept hearing, "Wait. This is My plan. Wait on this man."
And now God tells Joey to walk away.
I'm angry. I'm confused. I want to wake up and all this to be done. I either want to feel nothing or I want him to say that he was wrong, that he heard wrong.
What makes me angriest is that it does no good to be angry. I don't want to talk to God right now. And it doesn't matter. The reason it doesn't matter is that God always gets His way. I'll eventually come around and I'll still be alone. I'll still be without the man that He told me to wait on. I feel like He dangled what we wanted in front of us and then snatched it away.
One more broken engagement.

Ever want to just kick someone in the rear?

Because I kinda wanna.

Update.

Sarah Palin is not my hero and I do not want her to be president.

My number one thought about this election

Sarah Palin is my hero. I want her to run for president instead.

N and me

Today I spend the day with N and his parents and a couple of other people. We did spend some time with just each other, and it has been discussed and decided that we are back together. We discussed some other stuff too. This was my favorite:

We're driving along, listening to music. I'm kind of being a pathetic girl, thinking things like, "He's really cute," "I'm really glad I'm in his car, and I'm really glad he's here." I'm alternately looking at him and smiling, looking out the window, and feeling like a big dork. About that time, he says, "What are you thinking about?" I debated with myself for half a second, blushed insanely, giggled like a 13 year old and then said, "Well, that I'm really glad that I'm in your car, and that I'm glad you're here and it makes me happy, and I kinda think you're hot." If he had been drinking something at that moment I think it would've spewed out of his mouth. He got really surprised and said, "What?" I repeated myself.

I think the patience and chocolate chip cookies have paid off.

We had a lot of good conversation tonight, and I hope that I can continue that without falling into my habit of filtering everything I say.

On to other news: I won an LG Dare and I get it in a little over a month.

It's almost Fall. I love the Fall.

You know what else I love? Sleep. And I'm gonna go get me some right now.

Report

Things are going well with N.
He bought me art supplies. He's supportive and encouraging me in my newfound interest, which was one of the things that has become very important to me. I've gotten fairly sick of guys not being interested in what makes me happy.
So anyway, it's going well, and I'm fairly excited.

So, Friday...

I have a date with N.

Yes, a date.

Should I rename him now that he's not technically an "unknown"? I think I'll leave it as N just because it amuses me.

Greek girls do not lose their pants and other news.

Rubyred, Melinda_J and I are holding auditions for a Carmen. Must meet following qualifications:
1. grandparents that live in an exotic location
2. either a private jet or lots of frequent flier miles
3. wear between an size 8-10 in Old Navy flip flops. We're buying 9's.

In the relationship area:
Things with N look promising. That's all I'm saying on that subject.

In the God area:
I suck at having a consistent quiet time. Pray that I can make myself wake up for church and that I can be more diligent about my relationship with God in general.

.

I just have to get through today.

AND THEN MY VACATION STARTS! I'm off for nearly a week and I can't wait.
By the way, N had a good reason for not coming to the movie. Darn him.

More on the new hobby

Passing more time at work.

New hobby...

I've gotten a new hobby here in the last couple of months. Not sitting on the beach. I wish it was sitting on the beach. I'm thinking of taking some art classes.

Convos.

"I wouldn't look good without my two smallest toes."
"I'm dating my mother."
"I don't like - well, I like my Dad."
"Excuse me, could you fill out this questionnaire?"

Aww, what a sweet thought... but maybe next time you could read me something that already exists.

So, have you ever had a guy try really hard to write you poetry, but you have a less than desired reaction? You know, instead of being like, "Wow, how awesome that you wrote me poetry! It's beautiful! I love it!" you cock your head to the side and just try to muddle through it, then shake your head and just say, "Well, he tried."

(And no, I'm not talking about N. The poem he wrote me for Valentines' Day last year was very, very sweet, it made sense and was all spelled correctly.)

Public Service Announcement 8,132

Teenaged girls in Murfreesboro, we need to have a talk. Just to clarify, skinny legged jeans are not appropriate for every body type. Take it from a big girl who just knows better.

And PLEASE put the velvet away. It's June. You may think fashion rules are stupid, but you live in the South so get over it. No velvet after Valentine's Day.

I don't care if they make it in your size. Repeat after me: I don't have to wear it.

Maybe we should talk about sequins. There are a few appropriate occasions for them. Here's a list.
1. Weddings. Erica's dress had sequins. It was beautiful.
2. Prom. Just don't look like a mirror ball like I did my junior year.
3. Cute shoes.
4. Formal attire. See my caution above under prom.
5. Competitive figure skating.

Inappropriate:
1. School.
2. Church. I mean on your clothes, not necessarily your shoes. There's just no reason to be shiny at church. This applies to gold lame' as well. But I think it goes without saying that that is NEVER appropriate.
3. Men. Unless you're a competitive figure skater and your partner insists on you wearing sequins. Or unless you're Aaron and have made a fabulous costume for a social occasion that is supposed to involve costumes. All other men, just say no.

These lists are not all inclusive. If you have questions, feel free to ask.

hm

In about a month, I'll be spending a week at my brother's house keeping his dogs while he's on vacation. I love spending time with my brother's dogs and my niece, but I hate that my brother only ever calls me when he needs something from me.

On a good note, I went to the library with Tina and the kids today and watched G and B play in the fountain. So adorable.

(Slightly disdainful) Confessions of an ISFJ

I posted this to my Myspace a couple of months ago. I find it amusing. But we've already covered that I blog because I'm self absorbed...

1. I resent your attempts to label me and put me in a box. We've already covered that I am indeed a unique and beautiful snowflake. Sorry, Mr. Durden.
2. INTJs are my enigma according to that thing Andrea found. I don't get you. But hey, haven't we all established that I love puzzles and challenges? Throw in something pink or shiny and I get real excited.
3. Um, while you people are all whining about how horrible we ISFJs are, we are not there to defend ourselves. Why? Because we have better things to do. Like annoy you in real life for example. Now, THAT'S fun.
4. Our only Youtube video is about l'ecole journalisme. Haha. I'm a moron.
5. I'm selfless. Just ask me. I LOVE to talk about myself.
6. This will shock you all: ISFJs have a hard time letting go.
7. I serve others. I laugh in the face of my own needs. Or at least refuse to articulate them apparently. (The "Call me, pay attention to me, I need this from you," obviously doesn't count.)
8. We have a great aptitude for organization (hence the deep, undying love of numbered lists,) and unsuspected analytical talent.
HEAR THAT? I'm ANALYTICAL!!!
9. I am correcting your spelling and grammar as I read your email/message/blog post/comment.
10. It doesn't matter if mine is less than perfect. We're talking about YOU now, you realize. Don't forget that I'm selfless.
11. I swear, I fight sleep like a 2 year old at nap time with a No Doz addiction.
12. I am witty and cynical because you have not cracked through the surface to find the closet happy-girl with the warm, mushy center. Sweetness, although desired, makes me doubt your sincerity.
13. I fight sleep because I am STILL, after all these years, afraid that I'm missing something really cool.
14. Things I don't do: call you first. Um, no.
Actually, I think the ISFJ thing is pretty spot on. I was less than flattered when I first tested as an ENFP. They just seemed whiny and high maintenance. Most of those people blasting us in the forums are simply jealous. Go whine in your own forum. You're not going to get a response from one of us in ours, because we (besides being desperate to avoid conflict,) have moved on with our lives... Well, as far as this goes. Apparently we're too busy pining over failed relationships to pay attention to you.

Fire your boss?

So, Rubyred's book (or at least the small portion that I read,) advised that you're not supposed to find fulfillment in work but in your personal life.

How do you do that when your schedule prevents a personal life?

Pictures for Mariam! Help!

So I got a letter from my beautiful little Mariam today. I swear, this little girl is obsessed with marriage! I had told her about being in my cousin's wedding, so she has now requested pictures of the wedding. I'm of course sending them to her, but I feel like I should send some others as well of other weddings so she can see what a typical American wedding looks like. 'Cause I tell ya, nothing about Janet's wedding was typical...
I had also told her about baseball, since it's the one sport that I can intelligently watch and yell at. She said that she'd never seen pictures of people playing baseball, but that it sounded like a very tiring sport.
New project: Find pictures of people playing baseball or softball to send to Mariam...

So, anyway, if you have any of the following, please contribute:
Wedding pictures of your own or someone else's
Pictures of baseball/softball games (preferably children, but I'll take adults too.)
Pictures of typical Tennessee scenery from any area of Tennessee.
If you can email them to me I'll get them printed, but if you have copies you can give I'll take those too. Email: brooklyncs@gmail.com

Thanks!

How did you celebrate the first day of summer?

So, about halfway through my lunch break I realized that it was the first day of summer. Then I realized that I was spending that one hour in pretty much my ideal way (second to being at the beach of course.)
This is how I celebrated the day: Wore shorts to work, wore cute shoes and my favorite black shirt, did the whole curly hair thing in a ponytail, drove around with my shoes kicked off in the floorboard, enjoying the sunshine with the sunroof open and the windows down blasting Me and Bobby McGee and eating an ice cream cone from Dairy Queen. It was a good lunch break.
And then I went back to work and sat at my desk listening to eople tell me why it's my fault they can't control their children and in most instances, themselves.

In other news, nothing from N. Sources report that he has laryngitis, which in this age of electronic communication means that he drops off the face of the planet.

M is making his presence known, or at least trying to be a semblance of presence. Really what's going on is that he gets bored, gets lonely, decides to text me.

Every once in a while I'm real tempted to change my number.

Anyway, before I got distracted by the lack of thrilling that are the boys in my life, I was merely saying this:

It's summer. And so far, it's been gorgeous and peaceful and full of sunshine and music and bare feet, just like summer should be.

Watching a bit of TV in between the static...

I am watching the Cosby show. Does it sometimes make you sad that we went some such innocent entertainment that you weren't embarrassed to watch in front of your parents to things like Sex in the City that you feel like you need to repent after watching?