New developments

I talked to N today and it went very well. I got the information that I wanted, and now feel quite capable of settling in for a (hopefully not too) long wait. I got what I wanted - acknowledgment of the novel, I mean, email. (It really bothers me that there's not an "e" between the "g" and "m" in that word.) And it was a good acknowledgment.

Words I love to say: I'm tired, so I'm going to bed.

Alone sucks.

I want to go on vacation. I want someone to love me enough to want to go with me and then follow through by actually going. You can be a family member or friend. I don't care. It's imperative that on this trip you don't spend all of your time texting someone else, emailing someone else, talking on the phone to someone else, sleeping, watching CSI/ER/Gray's Anatomy, or expecting me to watch the kids while you fish/golf/etc.

Basic point: I want to go somewhere with someone who wants to hang out with me, talk with me, or do something with me because they want to be with me, and not simply because their spouse/boyfriend/preferred friend or child isn't available.

I'm sure I sound pathetically whiny, but I'm sick and tired of being the "something to fall back on." It's not that I don't love taking care of people, I do. I need to feel important and valued. A few of my friends do a great job at this. I want to get a phone call with the person on the other end saying, "Let's spend some time together. Want to go _________?" The majority of you don't. The majority of you, family included, put me off to see if there's something better first.

My brother and several friends call me when he needs a baby sitter.
My parents call when they need something.
The other brother, as well as several friends, don't call at all.

I know that my issues/hurts may not be as big or important as the ones that my friends might experience, but I feel like screaming from lack of contact.
I feel passed over, pushed aside, ignored, taken advantage of, unacknowledged, invisible, inaudible, forgotten, etc.

I hate being alone. I don't hate spending time alone, I just hate this whole state of being alone. Yes, I'm blessed enough to have a roommate that loves me just like a sibling would, but I miss living with family and getting hugged and kissed goodnight. I miss working with children and being hugged every day. That was one bonus of camp. Hugs. Grown people hugging each other on a daily basis. PCB was great about this. We were made to hug 8-10 people on our team daily.

I feel isolated and separated and I hate it.

Tired.

I've played babysitter, dog sitter, fifth wheel on my own birthday trip, and I've decided alone by my own choice is much better. I'm a great last resort.

The night that I got beat up by apricots.

I got a pedicure yesterday and my toes looked PRETTY.

Until a 16 oz can of apricots fell off the counter and on to my poor toe. Blood seriously did spurt everywhere. (Don't worry rubyred, I cleaned it up.) Talk about pain. I thought I was going to pass out. OH MY GOSH.

I was having a great night. Now I'm hurting and I want to cry.

Food for thought:

Am I being patient, or am I being pathetic?


Edited: The answer is patient.

So, I'm curious, How do YOU get to sleep?

WOW! Brooklyncs is up early.

No she's not. She's up late.

That's right friends, I'm doing the no sleep thing again. Tried to go to bed, really did... laid in a dark room with my eyes closed and the whole bit. I am exhausted. Was exhausted when I went to bed. Then my mind started racing, I kept thinking of all I needed to do today, and then I finally just figured to heck with it and got out of bed around 5. We now have less than 5 dirty dishes in our house, I have completely filled the hummingbird feeder, watered the flowers, taken out the trash (most of it,) and after the roomie goes to work I'm finishing cleaning downstairs and vacuuming. Yes, that word IS spelled correctly, thank you very much.

Tried a new recipe for cheesecake last night. That was a mistake. Stick to the tried and true recipe inside the Philadelphia Cream Cheese package. MUCH more trustworthy than the internet. I now have to go buy new ingredients and make ANOTHER cheesecake. The strawberry sauce is quite superb, however, and I made homemade whipped cream just 'cause it's so stinking easy.

I think after Tyra I'll take a nap.

So... what do you think?

Second day in a row to see daylight before I go to bed? Hmmm...

Today I bought headlights for my REALLY BIG truck. (Ok, so it's a 4Runner. Still bigger than anything I've owned.) I had five people (ok, more like 2,) ask me in Auto Zone if they could help me find something. I'm all like, "No, I got it." And then I walked up to the register with the headlights. 2 of them. I figure I just bought the vehicle, might as well replace them at the same time. It was really entertaining to watch the guy double check the book while he thought I wasn't looking to make sure that I got the right ones. At least he didn't check right in front of me. I love Auto Zone because they're never patronizing, and they're always so polite and respectful no matter which one I go to. Other auto parts stores are no where near as nice.

I love the fact that I know my way around an auto parts store. You should see me buy a battery.

Scrabble

So, I invited N over and he's coming to eat dinner and play Scrabble. I like Scrabble.
Rubyred ended my undefeated streak... I kind of forgive her. Can N beat me? I'm going with a no. Why am I going with a no? Because I'm not going to let him. I'm going to get in his good graces by making a homemade cheesecake and then I'm going to trounce him.

Kids.

My beautiful little Mariam, the girl from Burkina Faso that I sponsor through Compassion, just sent me a letter. She wants to know if I'll marry and when.

Oh, honey. From your lips to God's ears... ;)

Things I will work on:

1. Be more flexible on other people's terms.
2. Adapt, adapt, adapt.
3. Pray.
4. Read my Bible.
5. Get up for church every week.
6. Take Quality trainings and excel in them.
7. Don't get freaked out by changes in schedule.
8. Continue to wait patiently.

I kinda feel like I just threw a tantrum, or five.

Ever have one of those days when you just kind of make a fool of yourself in many arenas of your life?

Personal life? check.
Work life? check. check.
Personal life? check. check. check.
Family life? check.

I don't suck at life. I just sometimes suck at the execution of it. Feel a bit like a moron. Hope I didn't blow anything.

And what is with the random threats of violence?
Anyway, sorry N. Didn't mean to go off and be a brat.

I freaking LOVE naps.

I freaking LOVE cereal bars and Yogo's. Yogurt covered fruit snacks. LOVE them.

Hey, it beats an ice cream addiction.

So, do you even just want to hit someone upside the head REALLY, REALLY hard, but now they'd still look at you and say, "What?"

I feel like I'm slipping a bit at work in a lot of areas. Is it the schedule? Is it that I'm bored out of my mind?

I need to feel that my job is important, like I'm doing something more than just earning money. I'm not MAKING money. N says that most jobs earn money, but making money is when you don't feel like you're working.

I am going to make myself sleep now. Tomorrow I am keeping the babies at church, which I am overjoyed about. I miss being with children.

I miss being with N. I miss being with Mommy and Daddy on a regular basis. I miss seeing my Sydney a bunch. I really don't like not seeing the 3R's as much as I used to. Every time I see them they're 4 inches taller.


Really going to bed now.

It's 2:43 a.m. Do you know where your parents are?

I do. They're asleep. Been asleep for several hours and will be up in about 2-3 hours. And right now I am just too tired to sleep. Ever feel like that? If I go to bed, I lay there and think about everything under the sun, or about the person who will from now on be referred to as N. Why N? Because it's generally the symbol for unknown in an algebraic equation. And he is definitely an unknown.

I bought my mother a cell phone for Mother's Day. I would say it's for her, but honestly I've always been really bad about tracking my parents down when they're not where they should be. I mean, they're in their 50's. Why aren't they always home?

I'm kidding. As long as they're home by curfew they're ok.

I generally call home to talk to my mother. I've tried calling my father before, but if it's not about a car or work he seems to get confused and answers, "Hold on, here's Mama." To which I respond, "I was calling to talk to you." Anyway, he always keeps the phone, and since I am evidently insecure unless I can reach my parents at any time of day, I bought her a phone.

A friend laughed at me and told me that I just bought my mother a leash.
The nerve. It's not a leash. Think of it as a sort of mutated apron string.

He always delivers.

Someone very close to me just miscarried. I'm overwhelmed for her. I've lost nieces or nephews, I've lost cousins, so I know what her family is going through, but I can't imagine what she's actually feeling. I'm no where near the position to have a child and I know how bad my arms ache for one at times. I can't imagine having been pregnant and then never being able to hold that baby.

A long time ago when my parents and I were going to Antioch First Baptist, this woman sang this song about Jesus's rocking chair. It was a horribly twangy song that musically grated on my nerves, but it was touching. It talked about mothers that lose their children, whether before or after their birth, and how they're not able to hold or rock them, but that Jesus holds them in His arms and rocks them. It's always stuck with me and comforted me when my sister-in-laws or aunt miscarried. These babies are held, whole and beautiful in Heaven, and when we get there we'll know them.

Something else that I always think about are the verses in the Bible where God is comparing the earth to a woman in labor, and He says (this is a paraphrase because I can't remember the exact words,) "Just as a woman experiencing labor pains always delivers, I will deliver you." I find it incredibly sad that every woman I've spoken with that has had a miscarriage has experienced some aspect of birth. My friend felt her water break. My sister-in-law had to "pass" both babies that she miscarried. My aunt had to give birth to two dead babies, one at 4 months, another at 7 months. Although it's heartbreaking because water breaking and giving birth usually leads to something joyful, it's a reminder to me that God is faithful to deliver us. A woman experiencing labor pains will never not deliver. He will always deliver us, even in ways that we will never understand. Lord knows I will never understand the reasoning for a woman losing her baby, but I know that He comforts us and blesses us even in the saddest of situations, and I know that He is faithful to deliver us from sin and from evil.

It's 3 a.m. in the House of A&C

"I kind of feel like Queen Esther. Here, eat some cookies, share with your friends."

I should have started baking cookies for boys a long time ago.

"Are you looking over your shoulder to see if someone overheard you call something stupid?"

It's amazing how amusing stupid things are at 3:30 a.m.

Roomie has a P.O.A. I need one.